Chrysalis House, Inc. is a licensed, full service, non-profit, and fully accredited agency. We are an Adoption and Foster Family Agency licensed in 26 California counties. We have been in the business of making life a family affair since 1985.
Families often wonder out loud about adoption themed books to further their confidence – or to address a very specific need. Sadly, we don’t have the bandwidth to audit all of the sources, but we do our best to share our resources wisely.
Below is a library of other books that have resonated with our audience over the years. Chrysalis House is thrilled to earn an affiliate commission from Amazon when these books are purchased using our links. Thank you for supporting CHI in this way! Please review the books descriptions at the links below to be sure that they feel right for your family!
Click on each title to be directed to Amazon for more information and you may download the entire guide by clicking the Download button. Please review the book description in full at the link to make sure it feels like a great fit for your unique family. Most, if not all, of the books on our guide can also be checked out from your local library.
Be sure to scroll through the entire list above which does include books for littles, the prepared adoptive parent and to address some specific topics. Other resources are:
Our Agency’s Pinterest Page also includes a generous list of books and movies that have been recommended to us.
Tapestry Books is also an excellent resource for finding adoption themed books with a specific message.
Chrysalis House has a Lending Library at the office which includes books for all ages which are available to check-out on a bi-weekly basis. Visit the office to check out a few titles & thanks for returning them when you are finished!
If you have a favorite book that we should explore, please share your recommendations in the comments!
Some kids find their teenage years to be confusing and extremely difficult, while others appear to sail through them fairly seamlessly. Some parents find teenagers to be confusing and extremely difficult, while others appear to be raising some kind of magical unicorn.
There is no one-size-fits-all for children and teens. Generalizations are difficult because, in reality, everyone’s story is a case study of one. Here are our best tips for what to expect and how to parent your adopted teen:
1. The issues of identity, belonging, and feeling different: This looms large for all teens. It’s important to understand that an adopted teen may have struggles on top of regular adolescent angst. It is hardly surprising, that during adolescence, adoption issues can become more potent.
2. While it may not be obvious to the teen, they will be working out their values, beliefs, their sexual identity, relationships with family, and “who they really are.” This is all on top of coping with significant changes in their body, the demands of school, and the challenging process of finding their place in the complicated culture of peer groups. The work of forming an identity never really ends; but for most of us, the really important work in this area starts as a teen.
3. Early trauma: Adopted teens are, in fact, disproportionately represented in therapeutic programs. Let’s normalize that all teens and especially, adopted teens, might benefit from therapy. Adopted teens have complicated early life experiences and the degree of their trauma and loss may correspond to the complexity of issues that can best be addressed in therapy.
4. Gaps in history: When gaps exist about their birth family’s history, the teen may fill in the blanks with perceived details. The resulting story may project an alternate reality. It is not unusual for adopted teens to hang out with kids who resemble a world from where they think they came.
5. Inconsistencies: When birth family history is known and ongoing contact is in place, it can be especially confusing to reconcile. Messages from the adoptive parent might be in direct conflict with messages received from the birth parent. An accidental tug of war situation can occur and the only way to identify the significance is through ongoing communication.
6. Anger: Anger can be one of the prevalent emotions expressed by an adopted teen—anger about abandonment by their birth parents, anger towards their adoptive parents and anger toward a system that keeps secrets from them about themselves. When secrecy is part of their adoption story – accidental disclosures can happen at any time. Learning details about themselves from anyone other than a parent often results in anger and a breach of trust.
Tips for Parenting an Adopted Teen:
TALK ABOUT THE HARD STUFF: Our strongest recommendation is for parents to talk honestly with their kids. Details about the past, even the painful details, compose a person’s history. When parents wait to share important information about their child’s past, the delay may feel like a breach of trust. Teens may interpret this as, “Things were kept from me, about me and you don’t trust me with my truth.” Omissions in truth may cause the teen to believe that you, the parent, cannot be trusted. This is part of the downward spiral that an adopted teen may sometimes encounter when open communication isn’t a household practice.
SET BOUNDARIES: The transition of parenting little kids to big kids can involve a hard and clunky transition. You once solved all of your childs problems because they had no skill set to do so on their own. Now it is time to allow them some autonomy over their own choices, responses and problem solving. These are their best lessons, the ones that will reaally stick – because they chose them. Letting kids demonstrate some agency, for better or for worse, can be an excellent teacher.
However, all kids and teenagers do better in environments where there are clearly defined and enforced boundaries about what is acceptable behavior. Teenagers without clearly defined boundaries struggle to develop confidence and a sense of responsibility. While clear boundaries can cause conflict occasionally, overall they reduce friction in parent-teen relationships and work to strengthen the bond between parents and the adolescent kids.
Growing up is all about expanding boundaries. When teenagers are left to their own devices to determine at what rate the limits can expand it creates a level of anxiety and uncertainty. This lack of certainty will commonly manifest as a sense of bravado and arrogance as the insecure teen is forced to mask their uncertainty with an exterior of overconfidence and self-assurance. Prolonged periods with lack of defined limits will result in a teenager believing they need to be self-directed, and in the absence of any clearer direction will adopt their own sense of what is and isn’t acceptable. (This will often be informed by peers – who are either in the same boat or whom may be exaggerating what their own limits are.)
When parents impose limits in an ad hoc nature teenagers become frustrated and angry, usually resulting in conflict and the teenager projecting a sense of entitlement. This is only natural as they have developed a self-regulated sense of what is okay due to the absence of guidance and parental influence.
DEFINE EXPECTATIONS: Issues of control are also a hallmark of adolescence. Most teens will struggle with their parents over decision-making and rules around acceptable behavior. It’s common for adoptive parents to have a strong impulse to retain control over their growing teen because of fear. We advise parents that they must show trust in their children. This can be aided by working with their teen’s acceptable behavior around schoolwork, friends, chores and socializing, and putting in place privileges or consequences related to adherence to the agreements.
The way you help your teen know and operate within acceptable limits is to:
Set the boundary in advance
It needs to be clear to both you and your teenager
Consequence for breaching a boundary needs to be stated upfront
Consequences need to be enforced – parents must follow through over time
Some of the more important issues include:
Contribution to the household life – chores, mealtimes etc.
What nights can be spent out of the house and the associated times to be home by
Use of phones, computers, and internet
The consumption (or not) of alcohol, tobacco, other drugs
Where and when boyfriends/girlfriends can be in the house (i.e. in bedrooms, when parents are absent, etc.)
Motor vehicle usage and passengers
Number of after school activities per week
ADDRESS ENTITLED BEHAVIORS: The teen years are a naturally narcissistic time. Teens want, and need and think about things very narrowly. A common parental complaint is about teens who seem to exhibit a lot of entitled behaviors. One of the most effective ways to stop the cycle of entitlement is to role model being appreciative. Note the times your teen contributes, takes responsibility, or deals with a problem constructively and offer them encouragement. Encouragement should be specific and meaningful. Your teen needs to understand exactly what it is they have done that was positive. So, while surprise gifts or extra privileges are nice from time to time, using words to explain to your teen the positive behavior you have noticed is important for their learning and sense of self.
RESPONSIBILITY: Give your teenager age-appropriate responsibilities as part of family life – this should not be considered “optional.” Teenagers thrive when they have responsibilities and the ability to contribute meaningfully. One of the most misguided things modern parents do to their teenagers is absolve them of having to commit to contributing in a significant and tangible manner. Teenagers need to know that they belong and are significant. The simplest way of this happening is teens having responsibilities within the family unit and around the home.
The most basic responsibility is to oneself. Teenagers need to be encouraged to take responsibility for their own personal hygiene, getting themselves organized, and managing their own time and money. These expectations and responsibilities should increase with age. Parents will need to assist teens in taking on these responsibilities and offer training and prompts, but ultimately parents need to relinquish the responsibility to their teenagers.
CHORES: Teens also do better when there are expectations that they contribute to family life. This can be a simple as showing up to meals on time or letting others know where they are going to be, through to having areas of the house or yard they are responsible for managing. Few teenagers will outwardly thank parents for these types of responsibilities, and in fact, will likely groan and moan about them, but deep down the sense of place and ownership are valued.
As teens get older encourage them to get a job or find a way to use their time to serve others. When children can earn things for themselves, it gives them a dose of reality and helps with their own feelings of self-respect. And part of your role as a parent is to teach your child how to work to earn things. In this way, you’re teaching responsibility and preparing your kids for real life. They can babysit, pet sit, mow lawns, get a part-time job to earn money. Some teens can be extremely busy with school and sports obligations. If they are too busy for the rigor of maintaining a job – you might consider a routine volunteer assignment in the community instead.
ACCOUNTABILITY: Actions have consequences, and part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for our actions. This includes dealing with the consequences. Let your teen be the recipient of the consequences caused by their own action, or inaction.
Teaching teens accountability works on a couple of different levels; natural consequences and connected consequences. Being accountable due to natural consequences includes failing a test because they did not study or pay attention in class, walking and being late to school because they slept in and missed the bus, or not having their favorite dress to wear because they didn’t get it to the laundry in time. The consequence is directly linked to and caused by their behavior. Natural consequences can include things like having to pay for a replacement phone if they lose or break their own, and/or not having a phone until they do earn the money to pay it back.
Being accountable via connected consequences occurs when the consequence is imposed due to their failure to comply or cooperate as agreed. Connected consequences work best when known about ahead of time. While ideally related to the action, connected consequences require a level of artificial intervention and enforcement by the parent.
Parents often wonder what reasonable consequences might be for common teenage misbehaviors. Here are some solutions we’ve witnessed to work well for other families:
Curfew: If a teenager fails to be home by the agreed time, they are required to be home an hour earlier for the next night.
Screentime limits: If a teenager is caught with an iPad in their room after lights out which is against the family agreement, the teen loses access to their iPad and Phone for 3 days.
Disrespect: If your child seems to be developing a habit of using disrespectful language, it’s okay to say, “It makes me feel bad when you talk to me unkindly. Please stop.” or “I see a bad habit developing. It’s my job as your parent to make sure you learn to speak respectfully. This is an important life skill.” If they abuse or use verbal aggression against another family member they might lose access to a privilege for 3 days and instead have extra chores for that same period.
Failure to complete Homework: Inform them that privileges like cell phones, TV time, extra-curricular activities and outings with friends all have to be earned…with good grades.
Refusal to get a job: Every dollar you spend on non-necessities for them will now have to be matched by a dollar from them. This could involve their cell phone bill, movies with friends, gas and insurance for their car. Perhaps a condition of them getting any of these opportunities in the first place is that they have to pay for part of it.
It is important to define an understanding between what constitutes a need, and what is a privilege. Be very clear and make sure you’re on the same page. Privileges can be taken away or not given, needs really should be provided. You have to know the difference and not get confused by your teenager’s sense of what they think they need. If you provide an abundance of privileges to your teenager even when they treat you with contempt, you will breed an ever-increasing sense of entitlement.
If your teenager wants something extra, i.e. a new piece of technology or money for a trip away, then work out a way for them to help find the funds to get it done. Give them more jobs around the home (if you can afford it) or help them find a part-time job if they are old enough.
A key time to give your teen opportunity is when they lose a privilege, i.e. banned from Xbox, allowance docked, or their curfew is reduced). When this happens explains to your teen how they could speed up the process of having the privilege restored or how they could make amends for what they have done. Giving consequences without offering the opportunity to demonstrate learning and the ability to change, can be discouraging and build resentment.
For more teen parenting strategies: Please visit our “Teen” Pinterest Board where we have collected resources that include parenting contracts, chores information, podcasts and books you might consider.
Consider this book: Beneath the Mask, understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley, M.S.
Consider listening to Podcasts designed for Parents of Teenagers:
America’s Kids Belongbrings foster care closer to home with stories from the front lines. They talk with former foster youth, foster parents and remarkable individuals who are finding unique and powerful ways to dramatically improve the experiences and outcomes for kids in foster care.
Talking to Teens Andy Earls is the host of this show. He is a researcher and writer who work focuses on adolescent risk behaviors and parent-teen communication. No topic is left uncovered here, as this is a very comprehensive wealth of info and support.
Mighty Parenting Hosted by author and speaker Sandy Fowler, Mighty Parentings focus is to “empower parents as we share the unspoken truth about the challenges facing teens.” Supplies parents with information, tools, and support for raising emotionally healthy children with a weekly podcast, as well as a sense of community to empower families with information, skills, and healthy coping strategies to “manage the unique challenges our youth face today.”
Your Teen with Sue and Steph From the founders of Your Teen Media, boasts great interviews with a variety of parenting experts, including counselors, educators, writers, and health care professionals. Episodes run under 30 minutes.
Parenting Great Kids With almost eight hundred 5 star reviews, this podcast hosted by pediatrician, best-selling author, and mom Dr. Meg Meeker offers engaging discussions on how to best simplify parenting tens, while giving lots of hope and encouragement to those struggling in the adolescent angst trenches.
Their Own Devices Join Marc Groman, an Obama White House tech and privacy adviser, and David Reitman, an adolescent medical doctor, for discussions and tips about screen time, social media, sexting, privacy, online gaming, and other challenges facing parents of teens today.
Power Your Parenting: Moms with Teens Colleen O’Grady, MA. is the author of “Dial Down the Drama: Reduce Conflict and Reconnect with Your Teenage Daughter—A Guide for Mothers Everywhere.” In this uplifting and informative podcast, she shares her wisdom from twenty-five years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist which translates into over 50,000 hours of working with parents and teens.
Back-to-school time is here! We wanted to share a few reminders of how to prepare, support, and advocate for your kiddos as they go back to the school routine.
Look for/Be aware of these things:
Feelings of Safety—Change can be hard for kids. Even if they are in the same school, there are always new things our kiddos will experience each year. Is your child going to a new school? Do they have new teachers, a new classroom, new classmates?
Be proactive and talk about the new things, whatever they may be. Meet with teachers, if possible, to help your child become familiar with them before school starts. Ask your child how they are feeling about going back to school. Ask some “I wonder” questions to encourage the conversation. Relate to them by sharing feelings you have when experiencing new situations. Encourage them to use their own voice and talk about things. And, of course, be there to encourage and help along the way.
Structure and Routine—Implement a regular routine and structure around your day. In addition to the schedule of what to do in the morning to get out the door for school each day, implement a schedule/routine around what to do after school each day.
Make opportunities for your kids to use their voice and talk about their day. Ask questions: What was good, what was challenging, what did they experience that they didn’t expect? etc. Allow time for connecting through conversation about what happened in their day when you weren’t with them, and LISTEN.
PLAY with your kids! Make opportunities for play and schedule some downtime before starting homework.
Provide structure around homework time. Look for the sensory needs that your child might have around completing homework. Be flexible.
Transition—It’s been suggested that we need to “name it to frame it.” Talk about what is going to happen. Talk about when it’s going to happen. Talk about how you can help them with what is coming next. Transitions can be big triggers for kids; help them to be prepared for the next thing. If necessary, make a visual chart or transition cards to help with what comes next.
Regulation— The human brain is like a two-story house. The “upstairs brain” allows us to think, reason, learn, remember, and regulate our emotions and is mostly unwired at birth. It takes time and experience for the upstairs brain to become hardwired. The “downstairs brain” is mostly wired at birth and allows a newborn to eat, sleep, drink, stay warm or cool, and eliminate. A newborn’s reflexes and basic bodily functions are rooted here.
When a child experiences trauma, it can impact the wiring and chemistry of the brain—the lower, more primitive parts of the brain can overdevelop from reactions to fear and efforts to survive while the more sophisticated upstairs brain remains underdeveloped.
Provide nurturing experiences to your kiddos so that it strengthens the connections to the upstairs brain and supports regulation in their downstairs brain. What can they do to self-regulate when the need arises? Practice strategies they can use in the classroom, on the bus, on the playground, etc. (fidgets, ask for help, breathe)
Snacks and Water—Be sure to have snacks and water available for kiddos at school and after school. If necessary, talk to teachers about allowing your child to have a snack at school. When a child’s blood sugar and hydration levels are where they should be, they are better able to learn and regulate. Have a snack and water available in the car when you pick them up from school or as soon as they arrive home on the bus.
Sensory Behaviors—Behavior is an expression of regulation. With this in mind, help your child regulate. Give ideas and suggestions for what they can do to manage their behavior. Look for and identify things that your child seeks or avoids with regard to their senses. Meet the sensory needs before the behavior evolves into something that feels challenging.
ADVOCATE!—Be your kid’s BIGGEST advocate. Talk to teachers and staff about what your kiddo needs to be successful in their day. Older kids can be their own advocate with the right support, encouragement, and understanding of their own needs.
More resources for A FANTASTIC SCHOOL YEAR can be found here:
We are a part of the Chrysalis Family like all of you. We were right where you are not too long ago and we know what an exciting and scary feeling it is. We remember leaving night six and thinking how surreal it was to be so much closer to filling out our profiles and meeting our child. It was a little overwhelming thinking about the decisions that needed to be made. After praying about it, we knew what we were capable of giving a child and even though we could love all children, we needed to be honest with what we could and couldn’t provide a child. We knew that with our lifestyle of being a military family and having other children we couldn’t give a child with full medical needs the one on one care they deserved. When we completed our profile, we were open to most other things. We didn’t want to be so closed off to everything that we would miss the opportunity of seeing a profile of a child that could be ours. We don’t know any of you personally but we hope sharing a little bit about our experiences and life, can help you through this amazing time in your life.
We always thought adoption would be a part of our story. We have two biological kids, a daughter and a son. Our kids were always included in the conversations about adopting someday and we felt that when we told them that we were finally making that dream come true it was important to let them be a part of the process and to truly listen to them in what they wanted. It was important for our daughter to stay the oldest and our son didn’t want to be the youngest anymore so we made sure that is how it would be when we filled out our profile. Before our classes began, we felt it was important to have our kids meet with their children’s pastor. It would give them a safe place to share their feelings and any worries they could possibly have without feeling like they would hurt our feelings. This was especially beneficial for our son. Our daughter is very vocal with her feelings and our son always takes a little longer to open up. Our pastor asked them questions and our son just opened up so much and we truly didn’t know before that, how excited he really was. It was so good for all of us.
When we talked with our friend that had adopted several years ago, she said the one piece of advice that she wishes someone would have given her before starting their journey was to Trust in her Faith. We took that to heart and that has been what has helped us and continues to help us. We don’t know your religious background but if faith is a part of your lives, that is the piece of advice we want to share with you all. There will be ups and downs, pauses, and changes throughout this journey. We are going to share a little about our journey starting after we were officially licensed. About a week after we were licensed, we received a profile that we put in for because at that point there wasn’t enough information for us to truly know if we were interested or not. A couple days later we got matched. I, was shocked about my feelings in that moment. I didn’t react the way that I thought I would when getting a matched call, but then again, I have never been in that situation so I didn’t think too much about it after that. After learning more about what some of their medical needs meant we decided not to move forward. With every part of me I knew we were making the best decision; however, it tore me up and I spent that weekend very emotional and the guilt of not saying yes consumed me. Thankfully, I was able to realize that it was ok to say no. I could feel for those kids and every other profile that would come in that we didn’t put in for but if we had said yes over guilt it wouldn’t have been good for them or us for the future. This gave me the courage to trust my gut and my heart as we continued on. I just pray me sharing this with you helps you as you see profiles that you feel “Guilty” over saying no to. It is really impossible to have expectations, having faith allows us to “roll with it” and have a clear view to move on. We received many profiles after that and I was able to see what I told myself after the first profile experience, that maybe we went thru that for a reason. We truly did, my husband and I were able to look at profiles without guilt and knew that we could trust our feelings. Sadness for a child isn’t lessened just because you lose the guilt. Some profiles we could clearly state why we decided to not to be forward, and others it was only “feelings” that we had. We did put in for some profiles that we didn’t get picked for. One profile in particular there was a picture of the child and a good amount of information about her. They had a list of what they were looking for in a family for this child and every single thing fit our life. We could picture her being here if we were picked. A few weeks later we found out she was matched with another family. The one friend that knew we put in for a child and our feelings about it asked if we were ok. See, the thing is we were ok; we knew God didn’t think that was our child and even though there was clearly so much that would have fit for our family. There were things that we probably didn’t know that wouldn’t have.
Since the beginning we have prayed every night for God to bring us the child that is perfect for our family. Soon after that profile we received an email about a child. It was not the typical profile that we had been seeing. It was for a three-year-old boy and that was pretty much all the information we had, other than it was going to be a case that if you said yes and were matched things would move very quickly. We talked and both of us quickly said yes, we need to put in for this profile. It was a feeling in our hearts. With so little information, God again gave us all the information in the moment that we needed. We didn’t hear anything more and we assumed that he had been matched. About a month and a half later we heard that he hadn’t been. The social worker hadn’t picked a family yet. More profiles came in and we again put in for a few. A day after we put in for two separate profiles, I, received a phone call while I was at work. The first thing my Social worker said after she asked how I was doing was, I am not calling for the reason you probably think I am. She was right, those two profiles we put in for the night before was what I thought she was calling about. Instead she was calling to tell me that we had been matched with the three-year-old boy that we had put in two months prior.
My husband and I decided to move forward with the meeting that would be several hours away in less than 48hrs. We went to the meeting and knew during it we were going to say yes. We talked to our social worked outside after and said we were going to say yes. (We needed to let the child’s social worker know ASAP that day, and the work day was almost over). My husband’s yes was a very excited yes, mine was an excited but a nervous excited. A completely different feeling and reaction than our first match. See for me, my mind went into the future, what our life was about to be like, was this our child that we prayed for, etc. It was the exact some feelings I had 2 weeks before having my second child. I think sometimes that is just how a mom’s mind works. We were to find out a few days later if the court ruled for this child to leave where he was and if they did, we would have our son as soon as a few hours later, no transitions, etc.
On the day we were to find out the Court ruling, I got called while I was at work. My heart was racing waiting for what she would tell us. Was he coming, or staying where he was? Instead, she told us something that none of us were planning to hear. It wasn’t a yes and it wasn’t a no. The judge was extending the hearing and it was going to be 4 more weeks until that hearing. We now had another decision to make. If we decided to wait then we were going to be on a hold from seeing any other profiles. If we didn’t, we could risk losing the chance to bring home the child that was to be ours. I called Zach at work and we both decided we would wait. There was a reason for the wait, and if it wasn’t because he was to be ours, then maybe we were to not see any other profiles that would have come in that month. During that time, we prayed that God put him where he was supposed to be, whether it was with us or where he was. As long as he was happy and safe. We could start imagining him here, the kids would talk about him and say I know he is coming mom and we were ready for what ever happened. We were a week out from the court date and were getting more anxious; I wrote our social worker and told her I felt like I was waiting for my water to break. Because, in reality you are waiting for that moment, and when “it happens” you have to be ready for anything.
The kids and I got home from school on a Friday night and we were waiting for my husband to get home for us to enjoy our night. My phone rang and it was our social worker. I literally just thought she was calling because I had forgotten to reply to her email about an event. She again asked how I was doing and then said “Are you ready for a 3-year-old?” Man, just writing that gives me chills again. I started crying, I was so happy and so in shock since court was a week away. I couldn’t wait for my husband to get home from work to tell him, and then the kids. Everyone was over the moon. We stayed up late, running to the store, making his room specific to him, changing the crib to a toddler bed, installing the car seat, and on and on and on. We had less than 48hrs before we would go meet our son. The child that we didn’t know much about, the child that we had just learned his name at the meeting three weeks prior, the child that we hadn’t met or knew what he looked like, OUR CHILD.
The plan was for us to drive there, meet him and spend several hours with him and then the next day we would get him back before driving home. A super quick process. The day came and we were so excited and nervous. Our hearts were all in. There was no getting to meet him and change our minds, there was no him getting use to us before bringing him home. This was it! I read blogs about adoptive parents not having that initial love toward the child, it took several months. Would that be me? Would I love this child because it was a child or would I get that “mom instinct feeling?” I wasn’t sure and that was what I was the most nervous about. We arrived to the place where we were to meet him and met up with our social worker.
We had some time before he was going to arrive so we sat inside to fill out our paperwork and found out that plans had changed again. We weren’t spending the day with him and coming back for another visit, we were going to meet him and drive home with him within the hour of seeing him for the first time.
We smiled and said “OK, here we go”. A few minutes later we look up and see the back of a lady and the back of a child. I whispered to my husband, I think that is him, I just had this weird feeling, when they turned and I saw that it was his social worker and I saw his face for the first time, my heart instantly fell in love. We went to a room to play with him for a little while and get everything in order and then we were on the road. We got to come home and surprise our other two kids a day early with their new brother and they were so happy.
Preparing for this process, we have let the kids know to prepare for anything that might come with a child that would join our family. Like I said earlier, our profile was pretty open to anything. We didn’t know if we would get a child of a different race and talked about how they would deal with that if others said that wasn’t their sibling or worse. We talked about how they didn’t grow up learning and being taught things and it was our job to teach them, and how they could be angry, sad, yelling, and throwing things and it didn’t mean it was directed toward them but that they were probably scared and confused. Our new son didn’t cry, not when we met him, not when he drove away with us and not even the first night. It wasn’t what we expected or prepared for. There really can’t be any expectations. From the timeline of it all, to their feelings.
I am glad we prepared for it all, it was a nice pleasant surprise that we didn’t have some of the behaviors but we were all ready for it. A few days after we brought him home, on the day that we were to actually find out if he was ours or not, we faced another challenge. I would find out that I had skin cancer. Talk about going into this new way of life and then throwing that in the mix. When we found out he was coming a week earlier than we had gotten told was possible, were surprised like I said but it wasn’t until hearing that news that it all made sense to us. See, the day we were to find out, would have been the day I got told some scary news. Instead of the Devil trying to take away and steal our joy, God made sure that didn’t happen. He brought us this precious gift and nothing was going to steal our joy after that. I couldn’t sit and worry and let that news consume me, yes, I was a little scared but I knew that we would not be given this Gift, for God to allow anything to take it away. I had someone that was relying on me to feel safe, loved, and be happy and that is where my focus was. That and someone also needed potty trained😊 which gave us a lot of bonding time in the bathroom, talking, singing songs, and reading stories.
The first cry he every had was after he had a potty training accident. It was a complete breakdown. We didn’t know until after he calmed down what he was so upset about. I rocked him and got him calm. Once he told me why he was crying I was able to explain to him that he won’t be in trouble here for that, if he has an accident he doesn’t need to hide, he could come tell us and we would help him. Once my husband said the same thing to him separately, he saw that the two of us meant it and he never had the emotional meltdown again.
Now to the rocking. I know in class you all learned about some kids resort back to something that comforts them younger than what their age typically does, whether a bottle, pacifier, rocking, etc. Listen to that. The first night our little guy came we had got him a little gift that came with a story, I held him in the rocking chair and we all sat in the room to listen to it. I then rocked him and sang to him until he fell asleep. The rocking chair is still the place we go if he is upset or needing talked too. We will initiate it sometimes and other times he will ask to go rock. He feels safe and opens up with anything he needs to talk about, looks us in the eye and can focus on what you are telling him.
God is a part of his life too by us talking about it. It helps him understand why he left the family that had him, his feelings and how his actions affect others. It opens his heart to so much love and understanding. We read him a children’s bible at night along with his other books and our line up of songs. It asks kids two questions to answer at the end of the Bible story for that night. It puts us in awe each night hearing his own from the heart answers. Having this love of God really helped with a recent set of emotions that he had to understand and overcome.
Like all of you we were hit with the shock of Covid-19. It is still a scary time with uncertainty of what the new normal will be. For us, the silver lining was all the time we were able to bond as a family. The older two being home from school, Me continuing to be home from work, and a new schedule allowing my husband to be home all but 3 days a week. It was just what we needed being able to “Cocoon” on a deeper level. When my husband had to return to work and be out of town – those new emotions surprised us all. We knew it would be different for him, that he would miss him, but we never expected how much. He didn’t know how to explain all these emotions other than he missed Daddy – he would either be crying, happy, snippier and at times disrespectful. It was so hard on me because I wanted to be able to make everything better but all I could do was remind him how loved he was, how safe he was, and pray with him. Teaching him that it is ok to have emotions, but also what to try and do in those moments. I felt guilt for having to discipline him more than normal because I didn’t want him to feel like he was being yelled at like his past. Please remember especially if you have children already, this is a different type of parenting. You have to use the “trauma informed” parenting approach. At times it will feel different to your children, but again have those conversations with them and explain it as best you can. What came out of that week was a stronger love and bond. I am thankful that we have a great social worker who is there when we need that extra boost of encouragement or to validate our feelings or concerns.
Through this all we were also blessed with not only have our family and friends support, but we were blessed to have met new friends as well. We hit it off with two couples during orientation and immediately became “Instant Family”, we have done dinners and parties together, our kids became friends, and we have shared many phone calls, texts, and prayer together. If you are lucky enough to have made any of those connections during class, stay connected after. Having people that truly get what you are going through and to share in the waiting, the sadness, and exciting times with is something that will bless you so much.
We wish you all the best in your journey ahead and hope that some of the things we talked about helps you out as you move forward. Just remember, no expectations, trust your heart, be ready in a moments notice, and as long as you give the child all your love, they will feel it in their heart. It might take some of them time, and for others it might come quickly.
Hi! Let’s go on a journey together but before we do, here’s some boring background information about us to provide a little context. Also, we’re about to become BFFs so you should at least know a tiny bit about who we are!
My husband is a Network Engineer. He always wanted to be a computer guy and he followed his passions into Information Technology. I always wanted to go into healthcare but I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I majored in Health Sciences and went on to become a Sonographer, which is a fancy term for an Ultrasound Technician. We have two biological children – a six year old boy and a four year old boy. Getting our biological children into the world came with its challenges. Our oldest was born with a very rare tumor in his lung. He had to have part of his lung removed when he was just a few months old. I thought my pregnancy with my four year old was going to be my “comeback pregnancy”, and it was! …Until it wasn’t. When I was 30 weeks pregnant with him I had a placental abruption which started me into preterm labor. I ended up having to be on hospital bedrest for a few weeks and then on home bed rest until I delivered. Thankfully our six year old and four year old are healthy and thriving today. Unbeknownst to us, each of these experiences helped prepare us for an even bigger adoption adventure.
Okay, let’s get to the good part!
We always casually talked about adopting one day, but it was never any sort of concrete part of our family plan. We both have family members who were adopted so it was a very natural concept to us. In March 2021, we began to feel a sense of urgency that we should adopt. We didn’t really know where to start so we began googling local agencies and talking with friends who had adopted before. We narrowed our list down to three agencies and called each of them, with Chrysalis House being the third. The first agency didn’t feel like a good fit. The second agency said they wouldn’t even go through the home study process with us because of our age parameters (our oldest had just turned five and it was important to us to keep him the oldest). Then I called Chrysalis House! Stephanie Schmidt answered the phone. I don’t think it was even typical for her to answer the phone but she did that day and as we spoke I knew Chrysalis House was where we needed to be. I cautiously told Stephanie the age parameters we were looking for, and she kindly reassured me that if we were willing to adopt and potentially willing to wait that the right fit would come along.
We worked through all of the paperwork and the training courses. We were so happy to learn that Stephanie was assigned to be our social worker because we felt like she really understood us and was cheering us on. When we got to the discussion of what type of children we were interested in, Stephanie encouraged us to be realistic about what we could handle, but also encouraged us to cast a wide net because maybe what we thought we were looking for or thought would be a good fit would evolve over time. We finished the home study process and then we were ready to put our home study out there! We received several profiles over the next few months and submitted our home study for several. Eventually, in December 2021, we received a profile for micro preemie twin boys in the NICU. Their profile sounded a little lot daunting as it detailed some of their medical challenges, but we decided to send in our home study because we wanted to learn more. In early January we learned that the county wanted to meet us for a disclosure meeting. We had the disclosure meeting in mid January and it was overwhelming but very informative. The first line of the Case Summary we were given during the meeting said they were medically fragile twins in the NICU and “it is unknown whether they will survive due to having severe medical issues.” Wow! Okay! Thankfully their Neonatologist was invited to get on the call and we were able to ask him specific questions regarding the twins’ health and prognosis. At the end of the meeting the county let us know that they would like to move forward and informed us that we had 24 hours to decide. WHOA! 24 HOURS?! Okay! Let’s figure this out! So even though we still had not seen any sort of picture of the twins etc., We cleared our schedules that evening so we could spend time counseling and praying together. We also counseled with each of our families to make sure they were on board as we quickly realized during the disclosure meeting that if we decided to move forward with the twins we would need all the help we could get! Thankfully we both have great support systems and our families were ready to jump all the way in if that was what we decided to do. As we counseled and prayed together, we felt such a peace that evening that this is what we needed to do! The next day we let Stephanie know we’d like to say YES! Before we knew it we were on our way to the hospital a few days later to meet our little guys.
We were both very nervous on the way to the hospital and I don’t know about you, but when I get nervous I usually turn to humor as a coping mechanism. As the realization again came that we hadn’t even seen a picture of our little guys I joked, and please don’t take this the wrong way, that this was like getting a house sight unseen, but even crazier because these were real-life human beings that we were going to take into our hearts and into our home and love on forever and we had no idea what they even looked like! I remember saying to my husband, “What if they have triangular shaped heads and one eyeball in the middle?” Obviously those were silly and superficial thoughts and we were going to love them forever no matter if they had one eye in the middle or not. But truth be told, they did have some pretty crazy shaped heads from being in the NICU for so long, so here’s my little plug for Cranial Technologies who saved the day with their helmet orthotics the twins were in for over eight months. While I say that all in jest, the first night meeting the twins was very special but extremely overwhelming. There were a few significant health challenges that we didn’t learn about during the disclosure meeting. These health challenges did not change our decision, but we just weren’t mentally prepared for them. I find it to be no coincidence that the twins’ nurse that first evening was a traveler from out of state who had adopted two medically fragile children from foster care. She filled us with hope, yet we still walked out of the NICU a few hours later almost speechless. We felt both peace and completely crazy for taking on medically fragile twins with so many challenges. I remember saying, “What are we getting ourselves into?! We’re crazy people!! But we can do this, right?! ” That has kind of become our mantra over the past two years.
For the next month we basically planted ourselves in the NICU as much as we possibly could. We quickly realized that we had a lot to learn from the nurses and specialists if we were going to be successful at home. I spent 8-12 hours a day at the NICU and my husband would come after work and on the weekends. While we were in the NICU our older two got to bounce between Grandma’s house and cousins houses and they were loving the vacation.
After a few weeks of a crash course from nurses and doctors we felt (mostly) confident in bringing the twins home and the doctors felt it was time as well. The twins were discharged on Valentine’s Day 2022. What a special day we’ll always remember (this is where you sigh and say, “awww”). LOL That last sentence makes it sound like it was complete bliss, and it was, but it was also completely terrifying. On the way home one of the twins refluxed and his oxygen saturations dropped into the 70s. Then at about 2am one of their pulse oximeter machines started malfunctioning and beeping incessantly. It would not stop so we had to call the on-call equipment provider who had to drive up from Bakersfield to replace it. Once again, we found ourselves saying “What are we getting ourselves into?! We’re crazy people! But we can do this, right?!!”
Since coming home from the NICU life has been filled with so much joy but also a lot of challenges. As we opened up our hearts to the twins we also opened up our home to social workers, case managers, physical therapists, early intervention specialists, and medical supplies and equipment. So many medical supplies and so much equipment! The twins have had hundreds of medical appointments, with most weeks ranging from five to nine appointments per week. They’ve never been healthy for four weeks straight in their lives. They’ve always followed a pattern of four to six weeks sick followed by two to three weeks healthy. We’ve basically turned our home into a mini hospital and when they’re sick we hunker down and keep them home as long as possible. But despite our best efforts, the twins’ have been hospitalized over 20 times since we left the NICU. I’m not talking ER visits – I’m saying they’ve had over 20 multiple night stays in the hospital. The trickiest ones have been when they’ve been admitted at the same time, but in different sections of the hospital. One of the twins likes to make like an opossum and just go unresponsive sometimes without warning. It’s totally not cool. He did it about once a week in the NICU so thankfully we were somewhat trained on what to do when it happens. The most recent time was actually the morning of our adoption signing. It was our scariest episode because it lasted a long time and the things we normally do to bring him back were not working. Miraculously he came back just before paramedics arrived. I texted Stephanie and our county social worker from the ambulance on the way to the hospital to let them know what was going on. I was worried we’d have to push back our signing date, but they were willing to pivot and showed up to the hospital so we could sign! I think I remember both of them saying this was the first time they’ve ever had to do a signing in a hospital. The staff at the hospital was so sweet to allow them to come in and they even brought us a helium “Congratulations” balloon tethered to an IV bag as a weight to share in the excitement. Several experiences, especially the unresponsive episodes, have really broken us. Don’t worry – we have great therapists!
We could not have survived the past two years without our whole village rallying around us and bearing us up when we’ve needed it most. This village has included our families, friends, church community, coworkers, the twins’ specialists, and it has definitely included Stephanie, who I say has become our life coach. She has been a source of strength as we navigated both the complexities of the legal process and the complexities of life with medically fragile twins. We consider her a great friend and whether she likes it or not we are BFFs for life! We’ve also been so blessed to have gained community with other families with children who have high needs and other parents navigating foster care and adoption.
Want to know one of the funniest comments we’ve gotten in the past two years? Okay, I’ll tell you! It’s when people say, “It takes a special person to foster and/or adopt.” It bothers me when people say that because there is nothing special about us. In fact, our lives feel like a giant mess most of the time but we try to look put together on the outside. We are not special people, we were just willing to say yes. When we’re willing to say yes our lives get a little messier but our capacities increase, our hearts grow, and joy abounds – even when it’s stinkin’ hard!
The past two years have been the hardest years of our lives, yet also the most beautiful. We have been overcome with joy as we’ve watched the twins really come into their own. They have been through more in their short little lives than I will probably ever have to go through in mine and yet they are the happiest, most resilient little guys. They exude joy and are quick to smile at all who meet them. Their determination as they’ve worked through breathing difficulties, illnesses, gross motor delays, and other health challenges and diagnoses has been inspiring. They’ve taught us about perseverance, patience, long suffering, resilience, and finding joy in the journey. They’ve given us great perspective as we’ve learned to find the beauty in celebrating “inchstones” before the milestones come. We could not imagine our family without them. The bond they share with their older brothers and cousins is amazing. We love them so much. We know that they will continue to have challenges throughout their lives. We expect they will continue to have medical challenges, and we are not naive to the fact that they will face other unique challenges that come along with adoption. However, if the last two years have taught us anything, they’ve taught us that WE CAN, indeed, GET THROUGH THIS! We’re here to give them every tool and resource we can find to help them grow and cheer them on along the way.
Okay so we’re BFFs now right?! While we are not experts on anything, we have learned so much about foster care, adoption, and caring for medically fragile little ones. We’ve discovered so many resources available to families. Let’s chat! If we can be of any help to you please get our contact info from the agency! We’d love to expand our community and cheer you on as we navigate this journey together!
CHRYSALIS HOUSE, INC. 